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Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Life update; The hardest year of my life.

You know when you're not ready to talk about something until you feel like you've come out
the other side? well, that's how I feel right now. I haven't felt so at peace in years.
I had a hard year and I'm ready to talk about it.
Surgery
I went into hospital to have my fractured nose re-fractured into shape, I got put on a hell of 
a lot of drugs and ended up breaking my nose; damage that will never be corrected and this 
makes me self conscious. It's hard to deal with a change but when it's a bad change and in
the middle of your face it's 10x harder.

Illness
I then got really sick, I'm the kind of person who never so much as gets a cold.
I went to an emergency dentist as I was in horrendous pain with my braces, then to my
orthodontist and eventually primary care and was referred to A&E,
I hadn't slept, drank or eaten in days and all I could do was scream. I got to the point where I
couldn't stand, I could barely breath and I threw up blood and bile every ten minutes. 
My mum then physically had to drag me into the doctors; I was prescribed morphine.
I was going to be hospitalised. For someone who is never sick, not being able to stand was
insane. I was given Tramadol in the end and anti sickness, after 8 further hours of wheezing
and pathetic silent screams it finally kicked in, fuck me that stuff is strong. 
I'd got a lung & chest infection combined with an infection in my gum from my braces, my
immune system was so weak from being in hospital. I was dosed up on anti biotics & over
the next few months I got chest infection after chest infection.

Second surgery
I was then due to go back into hospital for my corrective operation to try and push the 
broken bone back in my nose, it was pushed back as much as it could be. This was 
heartbreaking for me as I had to come to terms with my nose having a bump on from a front 
angle which I never had before. I was told if I wanted the bump to go away then I'd need to 
let it heal and get a nose job in the future. When I came off anaesthetic I was told my nose
was too smashed up to ever consider having one. I have to deal with a broken nose and 
never being able to improve it.

Car accident
Two months after getting out the hospital I was in a car accident, someone bombed into me 
at 30/40mph at a red light; I'm one lucky son of a bitch because if I was looking up instead 
of at my dodgy gear stick then I'd be sat writing this covered in scars and with a metal
plate in my face as she would have shattered my nasal bone.
She wrote my car off, gave me intense whiplash, back pain and pulsating headaches; I even
still get anxious around driving in certain areas or at certain times.. She never so much as 
said sorry and I now have to undertake therapy sessions.

BPD
I won't go on in great detail about this one as I'll be here for days; I'm on the low end of the
scale for borderline personality disorder, it's taken this long to be able to own to it but I've
had it since childhood.
I've had to have several hard discussions with my mum on this topic.  I'm on the low end of 
the scale so I don't have some symptoms and what I do have isn't as intense; it mainly just 
affects my mood. My last relationship brought this up in conversation, I'd always had it but 
it became prominent when I was dating my ex-boyfriend. Discussing it in depth has brought 
me a lot of relief in the past year or so.

Break up
I ended a 7 year relationship, we split up once before but things never really felt finished,
however this time I felt it was over before things ended.
Now five months later, it doesn't feel like that was ever my life; The break up wasn't as
hard as the building my life up but I feel more myself than I have in nearly 10 years.
I don't feel sad, we left things on good terms. I always have his back but he's no longer part 
of my daily life. 

Normy
Had to include my sweet baby in here, if you didn't know, Normy was my hamster;
He was suffering and had to be put to sleep at the vets and it was honestly the hardest part
of my year out of any of this. My fur babies are my world, so this hit me hard.


Overall I lost a lot, I came to terms with a lot and I felt a lot this last year but 
2016 has been SO good to me so far. 
I joined a gym, I booked a holiday, I'm doing well at uni and I cut toxic people out of my life,
plus my metal and physical health is better than it's been in a long time.

You can have a sticker if you got to then end of this and didn't die of boredom haha, just
thought I'd do a life update on some of the things I dealt with and never fully shared in 2015.